


Ugly

by Burningchaos



Series: Separation Series [6]
Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Angst, Dark, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-11-16
Updated: 2005-11-16
Packaged: 2018-01-11 23:31:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1179243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Burningchaos/pseuds/Burningchaos





	Ugly

“No, I don’t want to do this, I can’t!” Rodney knew how he sounded. How the panic he felt was evident in every word he spoke and movement he made. John’s eyes went dark as he spoke; Rodney knew this was hurting him. It hurt to say it, to refuse the offered help but he couldn’t talk about it yet. He couldn’t form the words to explain how ugly he felt, how broken and splintered he was. He was different now; he wasn’t the man who left Atlantis while smiling at his lover as he stepped through the gate.

That man died. It had been a slow painful death, but it had happened. Now, in it’s place was a shadow, a mere echo of who he once was. No one understood, or if they did they all offered silly platitudes and false comfort. How could they understand when they were still the same, when they hadn’t had their core almost stripped away?

He watched John reach for him and stepped back, “I need to be alone. I have...I have to go.” Rodney saw the pain he inflicted but he couldn’t help it, he needed time, he needed something he was, as of yet, unable to find. He turned and rushed away, no destination in mind except somewhere quite.

~*~

Ford watched the water rise and fall as the waves silently lapped at the dock below. He missed this, not as much as he missed Carson, but he missed it. He knew that Carson loved him, and he loved Carson just as much. It was all different now he was different. He wasn’t the same Adien Ford that Carson had fallen in love with.

He was ugly now, in appearance and the feelings he had. The nightmare he had been and still was living. The addiction he had to face day and night. He would never be that man Carson remembered, that man had died.

Ford watched Rodney rush to the balcony wall and vomit over the edge. He stepped back into the shadows created by the roof and waited. He had missed the scientist with all his funny quirks and quips. He was happy he had been given the chance to rescue the man he respected so much. He paused and then softly, so as not to startle Rodney, cleared his throat.

Rodney almost fell over the wall as he heard the noise, turning quickly he saw that it was just Ford and instantly relaxed. “Hello, Ford,” his voice sounded as hollow as he felt.

“So whatcha doin’, Dr. McKay?” Ford was trying for causal and he was fairly sure he was falling short. He was trying though.

“I just needed some air, I...I couldn’t breath.” Rodney paused and then exploded, “I am tired of being watched like a hawk, I am not going to disappear. And how many times can one person ask if I am alright?” then, as suddenly as his former personality surfaced, it fell away.

Ford knew how that was, everyone thinking they know what is best for you, always trying to fix you. He understood. It was that way for him here too. He was also sure Rodney meant John. Because Carson did the same thing to him every time he was here too. “It’s alright, Doc, I get it. I won’t ask, but what do you say we sit here and just enjoy the sun?”

Rodney looked Aiden in the eye, not flinching as some did, and nodded. “Yeah. Yeah that sounds nice.”

It was nice to not have to talk right now. Rodney knew it wouldn’t last though.


End file.
